#11 Sit Up Straight
Apr 20th, 2008 by doing better
On the other hand, if we prefer to slump, there is always the chiropractor to look forward to.
We love the chiropractor! Even when he chastises us for slumping. “That is a sitting injury,” he murmurs disapprovingly, staring at our back.
First he embarks on “muscle work”, a euphemism which may find its way into the jargon of American military prisons. An observer might mistake this for some sort of massage, but undergoing muscle work is rather like being ironed flat with an anvil. He particularly likes grinding his palms against the grain of the muscles. We believe this is meant to relax the muscles before treatment, and indeed we are tremendously relieved when it is over.
Next come the “high velocity thrusts”, our favorite part of the treatment. These are sharp jerks simulating the act of breaking the neck, accompanied by a cracking noise which sounds very loud inside our own head. After our neck is broken, we giggle weakly.
He also breaks our spine with powerful hands. “I’m taking no prisoners,” he says dryly. “Your back will release.”
Afterwards, we feel as if everything in our spine is floating for a day or two. We have been released to a higher plane of existence, where our body cannot claim us.
It ought to make us wonder: if chairs are so injurious, why do we sit in them at all? Why do we not squat like people in sensible cultures? Squatting would also offer an excellent opportunity to jettison tight clothing and low-rise jeans. Or we might recline sideways on couches like the Romans. Our poor slumped bodies are too lazy for chairs. We cannot all be soldiers and Victorians, especially in this day and age of couches and laptops.